Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Rainy day thoughts and mindfully waiting

I'm a big believer that things happen when they should. Not in a god's-hand sort of way, but more in an if I listen carefully enough to myself, I will know when something is right sort of way. It's all about recognizing my not-yet-conscious thoughts and feelings, and being ready to act when they surface.

Several times in my life, extremely clear decisions have cropped up in my brain that are totally unrecognizable to my conscious; that is, there's no trace of me ever having toyed with these decisions until they're there, refusing to be sidestepped. The weird thing is that as soon as I articulate these thoughts, I immediately recognize them as being right, and I can feel that my subconscious has been mulling over them for quite some time.

Moving to Houston was like this for me. I had never considered leaving my job at Teach For America, never considered uprooting from the Upper East Side (for at least a few more years), until one day in December 2011 it occurred to me that I wouldn't stay. And as soon as I said it - even though I phrased it as a question, at the time - I knew there was really no question. I belonged back in Texas. It was the right thing to do, and I was sure of that.

The kicker is that sometimes, as our subconscious works through particularly tough problems - and before we get the satisfaction of an answer - the experience can be painful and uncomfortable. Before I decided to move to Houston I felt anxious for weeks, and I couldn't figure out why. And then - poof! - as soon as I decided to move, I felt at peace, and knew the decision to leave New York had been my source of unrest.

And why am I bringing this up, you ask?  Because I'm in the uncomfortable part. I really am. For the past few weeks I've had this sort of gnawing feeling, this anxiety that doesn't seem to go away, no matter how much on my to-do list gets checked off.

At first I thought this feeling was due to my anxiety around passing a certification test for work, then I thought the uncomfort had to do with a presentation I gave the following week. The completion of each of these tasks yielded washes of relief, but both proved temporary: The gnawing is back.

I'm not sure what my subconscious has in store for me, or if it will ever be revealed (I certainly hope so!) but for the time being... my ears are perked.

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